Life update time!
So….about 8 months ago I met this guy (well, I knew him 10 months ago, but we started dating on and off around 8 months ago).
This guy….helped me heal and make bounds and LEAPS forward in my recovery. He called me out on my shit, helped me when I felt like the world was crumbling around me, came with to some of my appointments, was with me when I was told by the OBGYN I saw that “I would never be able to orgasm and should probably see a therapist to help deal with that trauma”.
He was with me through all of the ups and all of the downs over the past 8 months.
But the thing is…. about 5-6 months ago I was able to stand on my own two feet, without anyone holding my hand. I got to a brand new chapter in my recovery; the ability to live a NORMAL life (of course the addictions and mental illnesses will always be there, but for now they’re under control -for the most part- and are on the back burner).
What? Life? Freedom?
What is this nonsensical nonsense?!
It’s fucking AWESOME. That’s what it is!
…..Until this guy’s baggage started to come to light.
My friends and family all saw it before I did, of course, that’s what love does to you; it’s very very blinding.
Between trying to quit smoking, other undealt with issues, untreated bipolar, depression, intrusive thoughts (this guy can be MEAN with some VERY violent thoughts), and the consistent binging on anything and everything he liked (to the point where I started to wonder if he was an alcoholic at one point)…it was too much for me, in my current state of recovery, to handle.
If you are friends with me on FB and/or read my blog, you’ll see a post about how there is, in fact, a pain worse than heart break or rape.
That post was in reference to this guy. This amazing man, with too much baggage, who I loved and who loved me back despite all of my flaws…as he became a missing person.
The morning he went missing he popped his head into the room around 7:40am or so and said he was going grocery shopping, and did we need anything. I mentioned a few things, and then he left….for 4 days….during which time no one knew where he was and no one could get ahold of him.
Day 1 passed, and I figured he was off doing whatever; smoking, drinking, doing “guy-coping” stuff. I was pouty, but got over it.
Day 2: When I woke up and saw that my phone still had no messages from him I started to worry slightly, and reached out to a few of his closest friends. No one had heard from him..
Day 3: I had barely slept through Night 2, let alone sleep that past night. At this point I’m thinking “what if this guy fell asleep at the wheel (he has apparently done that before in the past), or if he’s close to overdosing on something (based on recent lies about drug usage). I was now freaking out on the inside. WHY would someone say they’re going grocery shopping and then not show up after 3 days, or answer their phone for anyone who called/texted/Facebooked/Skyped? The only answer I could think of was that he was in serious trouble.
Either in jail for something….or dead. And for once in my life I actually prayed for the former. Because at least he would be alive in that scenario.
That night I reached out to his family and let them know what was going on. We all tried, desperately, to get in contact with him…but nothing.
On the morning of day 4, after multitudes of people had reached out to him, begged him to communicate with them, let them know he was alive and STILL no answer I contacted the police and he became an official “missing persons”.
The cop I talked to, when giving him a description, scolded me for not calling in sooner, and asked me for any physical identifiers…like birthmarks, tattoos, piercings, etc. He told me that the first place they would check were hospitals and morgues for any John Does.
THAT was when I wrote that post. The one describing the pain worse than heartbreak, worse than the pain of rape….
I thought he was dead. I thought that his undealt with bipolar depression, his past tendency to self-medicate, and his suicidal ideation had finally caught up with him. Every time the phone rung and I saw it was the police calling, I braced myself for hearing the words “we found him…and it’s not good”.
Next thing I know, I get a text from him (at which point I break down sobbing, because he’s alive. Thank GOD he’s alive!!!!!) that said:
“can you call off the missing persons thing? It’s exhausting. Thanks.”
It was that moment that I realized I needed to get away from this guy and his toxic nature. That, despite all of the amazing moments we had together, the negativity simply outweighed the positivity.
True, I had felt safer with him physically than I ever had before, but I had also never felt so unsafe at the same time. I never knew what to expect.
It was physical safety, but mental and emotional whiplash with him.
One minute everything would be good, the next he would be mad and he wouldn’t even know why. There was rarely ever a trigger. None of it made any sense to me. I had to walk on eggshells around him.
I realize now that that’s probably what my friends and family had to put up with when I hit some lower points in the past: emotional and mental whiplash; never knowing what to expect, barely recovering from the past scenario when I threw them into another one.
And just like I did back when I was in his shoes, he would come out of one of his downward spirals as if nothing had ever happened and keep on going on.
In my current state of recovery, which is better off than I’ve ever been before, I just couldn’t keep up.
It was either sacrifice portions of my recovery and slip backwards a few steps here and there to stay with this guy who was struggling so hard to become a better version of himself and to get treatment….or continue to flourish in my recovery.
And I took the selfish way out.
So yes, today is hard.
Everything hurts; music, singing, TV shows, eating, not acting on my past addictions or body dysmorphic behaviours….but here I am listening to music, humming along, watching TV shows here and there, and once my friend comes over, I will also indulge in some of my favourite foods.
+ I can walk past sharp objects and only give them a second glance.
+ I look at food and don’t want to hurt myself or run to the bathroom and throw up.
+ I am living on my own (and by that I mean I’m living in a house with an amazing roommate who is into almost all of the same stuff I am; we literally have the same taste in interior design, she has a dog and a cat, so together it’s me, her, my cat, her cat, and her dog. Yay!)
+ I’m supporting myself financially (with the exception of my phone bill, which will soon change)
+ I am working a full-time job, a self-employed, part-time job, and am working with a like-minded beauty to open up an animal shelter in the local area (because it DESPERATELY needs one). All of previously mentioned jobs involve animals. :)
I have never been in a better space in my entire life.
Now? I just have to remember what it’s like to live alone, know that it’s okay to be afraid of moving forward (apparently that’s normal? what?), and let myself feel the pain that comes with moving on and having to leave someone you desperately love behind.
and leaving him behind….moving on….
It sucks. It hurts. I want nothing more than to call him up, tell him I love him, and let this be just “another fight” and “another break up”….but I can’t.
Not this time.
I am eternally grateful for all of his help, particularly with getting over the fear of being physical with guys because I honestly thought I would never get past the flashbacks. Without him I wouldn’t be healthier, and I wouldn’t be the person that I am today…
But until I can handle that emotional and mental whiplash? Or until he is determined to get healthy and gets healthy the way that I was/am?
….Today is hard… :(
This is for all of us who are suffering with body dysmorphic behaviours/symptoms.
I sent this text to one of my friends and thought maybe someone else could benefit from reading this too.
This isn’t a complete list, not even close. But I think in a lot of ways it’s pretty spot-on.
"Here’s the thing:
There is no right way or wrong way to go through your recovery.
There are better/healthier ways than others, but ultimately you have to do what works best for you.
A lot of recovery is your mental process.
You have to let down that guard, be open to new possibilities, trust when trust seems nearly impossible, forget about your pride (this is the hardest part for a lot of people), and the only thing you have to fight/argue with to truly make progress are your addictions and anything internal that gets in your way…primarily yourself and the very thing you are trying to beat/overcome.
It’s probably the hardest internal struggle you’ll ever have to deal with. It’s one of the most difficult fights you’ll ever have to fight.
But it’s also the most important.
And it’s an ongoing thing that you’ll have to deal with every day of your life.
Seems like a lot of work, but it is so much better than the alternative.”
This is NOT okay, never WILL be okay, and HAS TO STOP.
It doesn’t matter who the perpetrators or victims are; acts of violence like rape can never be justified.
And then to brag about it? And get away with bragging about it?
Why is that okay?
Hearing things like this makes me, especially as a survivor of multiple rapes, feel uneasy and unsafe.
I stand with Jada.
Don’t worry about it.
It’s horrible to feel left behind. I hate it. Even now.
It’s like…the rest of the world keeps spinning and everyone else just keeps going and it’s not fair! But at the same time it is fair…because what else are they supposed to do?
And expecting anything else of them wouldn’t be fair to THEM.
So all you can do is smile and congratulate while you sit on the sidelines.
And it hurts. So much…
But the pain fades slowly over time, and they’ll still be your friends so long as you both make the effort to do so.
Eventually it becomes a part of the past and you kind of just get used to it.
I thought that I had been through it all.
I thought I had felt every type of pain that there was to feel.
I thought that the worst portions of my life were over….
But not knowing where you are? The person that my heart belongs to?
Knowing that no one else who loves you knows where you are either?
This is a pain that I never expected to feel.
Nor would I ever have expected it to tear me to shreds inside.
Give me heartbreak.
Rape me again.
Let me be cheated on and bullied a thousand times over.
Because these things would not hurt a sliver as bad as the pain I feel when I worry about what has happened to you.
You told me you loved me the night before you left for the grocery store.
4 days later no one has heard from you.
We don’t know where you are.
You won’t answer your phone
Give me any other pain than this.
Just come back to me safe and sound.
And give solace to those who are feeling this pain alongside me.
Is it that easy to get up and walk away from me without even saying goodbye?
Second time this has happened to me.
And it hurts just as much as it did the first time.
I just hope that I can remember my regrets from the first time and apply them to this situation.
Live and learn….right? T_T
I was doing okay today….until I realized that it was June 20th.
Last year, on this day, I lost my best friend to cancer. He had been there for me since I met him when I was 6 years old and was the best friend & companion a girl ever could have had.
His stabilizing nature is a major reason why I am still here today and fighting against these illnesses and addictions.
Whenever I find myself asking “why bother, it’s just too difficult” you pop into my mind, and it is because of this that you continue to keep me grounded every single day.
Thank you for all of the help, the memories, and the bits of joy you brought to my life over the course of those 15 years.
I love you, and hope you are resting in peace.
A random little girl in the park just told her dad I look fat….
I have reached a tipping point; to soar higher and accomplish more, or fall back several steps.
I’m teetering back and forth depending on the day, and it feels like the tiniest of things could be the deciding factor…
The pain is back.
But I can still see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Never forget the facts
Sometimes I still take on the victim role.
I’m mad at the world, still.
None of this will ever feel fair.
It’s hard to let go.
One of those nights where…..
Everything seems bleak.
Cut myself for the first time in MONTHS.
Went for a run; felt like I could never stop running, and to be honest I didn’t really want to stop either.
I hate the circumstances I am in.
I hate so many people.
I hate my rapist.
I hate all who have ever perpetrated against me.
I’m so mad I want to hurl, or hurt something…so I hurt myself instead.
I hate myself.
Everything I’ve pushed aside so that I could keep moving forward has resurfaced.
Some people are assholes and will never amount to more than that.
I really really hate myself.